So a little carry-over from last week…personal epiphanies rendered as lessons current and past aligned…
Learned (again) about how the body gets addicted to the neuropeptides that it experiences the most. Your body makes them for every emotion you feel, and even the bad ones feel “good” if they are familiar. For example, if you experience anger, sadness, disappointment frequently because of circumstances in your life, your body will crave those peptides as much (or more?) than it craves the peptides released with the experiences of love, comfort, approval. All peptides attach to receptors on all your cells and change them, even down into the nucleus…and then your cells become CHEMICALLY DEPENDENT on whichever ones they get the most of. Unconsciously, we keep repeating behavior patterns that get us the “fix” our cells need. Wow. This time it really hit home.
As a child, I cried A LOT, about everything. I was overly sensitive and as a result got picked on a lot throughout my life, up into my early twenties…because people loved how easy it was to push my buttons. I made it easy for them, unconsciously. I was told over and over that I needed to “toughen up”. And struggled with that because I valued the part of my sensitivity that was my empathy, compassion, intuition. How could I balance the two sides of it?
In retrospect…the emotional drama was a way to get attention…
In hindsight…a complete replication of emotional patterns learned from my mom…except that her go-tos were anger and depression…which I too employed as I got older and finally learned to stop crying all the time…sometimes…
What was the plea?
WANTING TO BE SEEN!! To be acknowledged. I won’t get into the cultural implications of being a girl in the south where, at least in my family, boys seemed to be more valued than girls…my mom always took my brother’s side; I felt practically invisible to my dad till I was about 16…but I will say that it led to a lifetime of chronic overachieving for me. I always got straight A’s…I always had a full schedule, I neglected prioritizing free time with friends to prioritize chores at home…my mom was so depressed and tired, she needed my help. Also I was the oldest, the right hand woman…and expected to set an example? If I DID BiG, if I did Everything, maybe someone would see it, SEE ME.
This continues to play out in my life…asking too much of myself…over-giving to others, friends, lovers, and family, alike…keeping my plate so full that I can’t always meet my own expectations…But were they ever my own?…or imposed?
I’ve struggled with being chronically late, usually because I’m trying to do “one more thing”. What is the emotional benefit of that? Well, when you walk in late, or have to apologize for it, YOU ARE SEEN, even if not in the best light. MY BODY NEEDS THOSE f@#%ing PEPTIDES!! And it will do anything to get them.
In intimate relationships, I usually follow the other person’s lead, taking what I can get, dating people that seek me out, most of whom have had addiction issues of some sort. My dad was an alcoholic, but my mom had the same emotional patterns, learned from her alcoholic father. In my relationships, the emotional drama was always HIGH, from both sides. I found my voice in anger and depression. I held the standard that I was the “better” person because I didn’t have chemical dependencies. I claimed my only addiction was to LOVE because I craved attention and human touch so explicitly…but here’s the thing, when people have addictions, those addictions ARE #1…so expecting them to give me the attention I wanted was a losing cause…and drawing those partners to me fulfilled my pattern of BEING INVISIBLE. And then I also got pity from my friends for having sh!#%y boyfriends! WOW. So WHAT was I REALLY craving??? The PEPTIDES of feeling UNSEEN! And who’s CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY was stronger now?! Peptides run F@#%ING deep.
What has this bred in me?
Setting my standards too high and not reaching my goals, showing up a day late (& a dollar short), having one dead end relationship after another, all programs my mind in the habit of FAILURE, and an addiction to it. As long as I keep repeating these patterns, I keep getting my fix. And at what cost? Discontent, a constant striving, anxiety, lack of fulfillment in my life.
THOSE PATTERNS END HERE. Although I’ve been working to deprogram this crap for years now…I’ve learned to “toughen up”, not take things personally, and still keep my intuition and compassion intact and active; I’ve learned to manage my emotions appropriately; I’ve released my attachment and control issues in relationships…something just clicked in this Master Key Experience…on a DEEP level.
Habits are changing, mind stuff shifting, synapses rewiring. Through simple, repetitive, habitual exercises, I am actually practicing feeling the peptides of JOY, ACCOMPLISHMENT, and CELEBRATION of SUCCESS. I’m practicing LESS IS MORE and DOING IT NOW. No more procrastination on the little things means no more waiting to create the life I want. LET IT BEGIN NOW…I release Invisibility, I release Failure. And begin cultivating an ADDICTION TO LOVE.