MKE, Week 17HJ: Without a Title

Just start without a title. Something will come. All the pieces have to fall into place slowly. It’s not an overnight process.

Most people look at me funny when I say I committed voluntarily to a “class” for six months that has a 2-3 hour webinar most every Sunday (that’s my only day off), plus more. “What’s it for?” they say. Personal Development? Hmmm? Finally I started saying, “To help me manifest the life of my dreams.” 

It’s changed for me. It’s no longer just about the habit-creating exercises. It IS about manifesting the life of my dreams. Thinking on it daily. Putting it together piece by piece. Every thing informs the other. I gather information from other sources. MKE informs my other studies, in Ayurveda, in Yoga. They blend and meld, coming together in one vision, one master plan. 

What am I pretending Not to Know? 

What is already within me that I can’t see? My Full Power. Owning my Knowing that I am a healer and a teacher; that I am here to help others realize their true paths, their fullest selves. How do I do this? Step by step. Before the commitment to MKE is even done I am launching into a year long study of Ayurveda…and Self. Not a career change; more like a shift or an upgrade. More service to offer. More light to shine. 

On the Sunday webcast Mark talked about the concept of living our life to fulfill our roles versus living our life to fulfill our dreams. He didn’t just talk about it; he was pretty damn passionate. And it struck me. I had thought about it before, but this time it came in a different frame. 

I had already gone through the death and rebirth of myself being overly identified with my roles as a massage therapist and yoga teacher. For a period of my life I felt completely defined by that, and liked it. But when I took a sabbatical from my career and moved to Kauai, I felt formless, I lacked self esteem. I cried many tears for the clients and students I left behind, and the beautiful energies we exchanged. I cried many tears as I learned to love myself for Me, my essence, not my Role in the community. 

The detour continued when I moved to Anchorage, Alaska. I got back into massage and have grown a lot from the experiences I’ve had in my profession since then, but not until now have I felt like my true path is clear again. I’ve just been trying to get a job where they pay me what my time, skills, and energy are worth. But I forgot why I do this work. Without sight of that, I fell into another role: Auntie. 

Lonely in Alaska, I left for family. Two nieces and a nephew arrived in Missoula, MT and I drove across Canada to live close. Canada is amazing. My heart broke 100 times from the beauty. I processed a lot of buried grief in the shadows and sunbeams of those mountains and valleys. I was running TO something instead of AWAY. That felt right. But upon further examination, filling a Role can be filling a Void. SO much Joy comes from being with those littles, but I need the Joy that comes from WITHIN. Why is it so hard to ask myself what would make ME happy? 

My role in my community is important. My role in my family is important. BUT, my role in the World is even More important. How can I serve as many people as possible? How can I best shine my light to illuminate the path for others? How do I access my inner joy so that I can do that? I realize I have to put myself first, I have to be happy to serve. 

Kauai is my home. It feels more so than anywhere I’ve ever been. Being here triggers the yearning. I know I have to come back. Not just for a month. But this time I come back with my Light to offer. It may take five years, it may take less than two. But it won’t be a struggle, like before. 

How do I leave my family for paradise? Because If I didn’t I would be pretending Not to Know what makes me happy. And how can I inspire anyone to manifest a life of their dreams if I’m not manifesting my own? How can I inspire anyone to walk the path of their Dharma if I’m not walking my own? So it becomes clear…the DMP manifests, one piece at a time. Still without a title. 

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MKE, Week 17: Drifting

On our webcast this past week Mark talked about “drifting”…from the practices, from the class, from the community mastermind. It kind of hit home because I’ve definitely felt that vibe creeping up on me the past couple weeks. Though some practices have waned, I’m still pretty steady with the reads and sits, and even the flash cards. 

What’s really cool, is that I realize that the reason I’m not putting as much into the details of the course is because I’m putting it into the actualization of my DMP, one step at a time. My massage clientele has grown very quickly, helping me move toward having my own practice this spring, one of my goals. I’ve been more consistent in my network marketing side hustle than previously. Today I started a year long Ayurvedic Lifestyle Coach training that will help me expand my healing practice into the coaching arena, which has been an unrealized goal for many years. It will also help deepen my spiritual yoga practice, as well as my self care, which is needed, and part of my overall goal of just feeling better in my own skin. Overall, I feel the wheels in motion toward my goals. Even if the class was over today, I would feel complete, because I have identified my goals and DECIDED that they are nonnegotiable. 

Again, that word DECISION comes up…and I realize that although I have not always followed through with small daily tasks all the time (although MKE has improved that habit greatly!), any time I have DECIDED to meet a goal, to make a change, I have accomplished it. Realizing this was a great feeling and reminded me of my self reliance and commitment, and deserved a small celebration. 

And same with the DECISION to commit to the MKE…despite a little drifting, I drift back in, staying up late to read Og or write gratitudes, happy moments of the day, and accomplishments to add to my flash cards. Seeing my DMP manifest gives me another little push back into the MKE because…

I am nature’s greatest miracle…I will persist until I succeed…I will greet each day with love in my heart…today I start a new life!! 

 

MKE, Week 16: Lemonade

 

The Greatest Salesman in the World, Ch. 11, Scroll IV: 

I have been given eyes to see and a mind to think and now I know a great secret of life for I perceive, at last, that all my problems, discouragements, and heartaches are, in truth, great opportunities in disguise. I will no longer be fooled by the garments they wear for mine eyes are open. I will look beyond the cloth and I will not be deceived. 

This hit home this week. A perspective on Life I have held for a long time…when life gives you lemons, make lemonade…I had to adapt this mentality because it seemed like the other option was a life of discontent, even sadness and depression. Things never seemed easy…I mean I was always “lucky” and certain things came easily, but I was never really happy. Was it all in my mind? Probably…

MKL 16.11: …The subtle forces of thought as they crystalize in our daily moods is what constitutes life.

MKL 16.14: The conditions with which we meet the world without, correspond to the conditions which we find in the world within. This is brought about by the law of attraction.

I was raised by a mother (maybe a father too) whom I didn’t realize till much later in life had mental illness. Nothing ever seemed easy. She was rarely ever happy, no matter the circumstances. No matter what jovial personality you are born with, the weight of depression, among other things (undiagnosed), is a difficult oppression to escape…especially as a child. It becomes learned. Subconsciously I came to believe that life was just one hardship, one suffering, after another. Nothing was ever good enough. She was never satisfied. I was never satisfied. People close to me suffered. I suffered. 

MKL 16.22: If the thought is destructive, it will have within itself the germ of its own dissolution; it will die, but in the process of dying, it will bring sickness, disease, and every other form of discord. 

But at some point I started to find a way out, a light, an autonomy. I sought out “self help” books (a habit I probably actually learned from her). I sought out spiritual teachings (also from mom, thank you). I sought out yoga. I sought out counselors. I got objective feedback. I realized this burden was not MINE to carry. But now it is my story to tell. 

Even though I realized I could lift myself out of the mire of my mother’s depression, the truth is, hard things still happen in life. We are not all dealt the same karmic lessons. We have samskaras we must attend to. It’s no doubt that what doesn’t break us makes us stronger, if we have the right mindset. I started to approach every hardship with the mentality that it was a lesson sent from beyond, an opportunity to grow. It helped me get through hard times because I could see a light on the other side. I knew it would all turn out fine, and that I might come out stronger for it. I began to shine that light and was able to be a beacon of light for others, sharing my experiences to help inspire others in my work as a yoga teacher and health practitioner. I was filled with humility and gratitude and my whole life changed. When things seemed to go wrong, I kept my head up, smile on my face, sometimes through the tears. 

MKL 16, intro: …Everything that lives has periods of birth, growth, fruitage, and decline.

…Those familiar with these cycles will not be disturbed when things seem to go wrong, but can apply the principle outlined in these lessons with full assurance that a higher law will invariably control all other laws, and that through an understanding and conscious operation of spiritual laws, we can convert every seeming difficulty into a blessing.

Two and a half years ago I lost my mom to suicide. Her story is mine to tell, because she is not here to tell it. The cumulation of years of destructive thought had a final dissolution. Tonight, on the eve of her birthday, I can’t help but think of her. I will not let her story end with a period. She lives on in me. I am who I am because of her, the hard stuff and the beauty. I can make her lemons into lemonade. I can shine her light through me. I do and I will, because why should the miracle that produced me end with her death? Why can I not extend that miracle to my deeds of today? She was nature’s greatest miracle. 

I am nature’s greatest miracle. 

I am not on this earth by chance. I am here for a purpose, and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth I will apply all my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy. 

I am nature’s greatest miracle. 

Since the beginning of time never has there been another with my mind, my heart, my eyes, my ears, my hands, my hair, my mouth. None that came before, none that live today, and none that come tomorrow can walk and talk and move and think exactly like me. All men are my brothers yet I am different from each. I am a unique creature. 

–The Greatest Salesman in the World, Ch. 11, Scroll IV

We are all nature’s greatest Miracles. Your heartache is an opportunity to grow. Use that growth to shine your Light. The world needs it. 

 

 

 

 

MKE, Week 15: Give It Up

One of my favorite things about writing is that I can enter into it not knowing the outcome and watch it unfold as the words pour out. This doesn’t always happen without effort, but there is an element of mystery that intrigues me. It is in that mystery that healing and epiphany often comes. Because once you open the gates of expression, there is something happening that is not always within one’s control…it’s as if your Higher Self is speaking to You, through You…or to Me, through Me. So let’s see what she has to say…’cause I have no idea where this is gonna go…

MKL 15.3: Difficulties, inharmonies, and obstacles indicate that we are either refusing to give out what we no longer need, or refusing to accept what we require. 

What we require…what we require…?? What we require is what allows us to experience the highest level of happiness and harmony. Why would we settle for any less? And yet so many of us, myself included, do it everyday. If we are dissatisfied, distracted, unhappy, irritable, most likely we need to LET SOMETHING GO that is HOLDING US BACK, so we can MAKE ROOM for that which will bring us to our HIGHEST LEVEL OF VIBRATION…HARMONY with our TRUE SELVES. 

MKL 15.4: Growth is attained through an exchange of the old for the new, of the good for the better; it is a conditional or reciprocal action, for each of us is a complete thought entity and this completeness makes it possible for us to receive only as we give. 

An exchange of the OLD for the NEW, of the GOOD for the BETTER. We must continually be cycling out the useless for the useful, the harmful for the helpful, the degrading for the uplifting, the GOOD for the BETTER…we deserve nothing but the BEST! Why would we settle for less? We must make the choice to GIVE IT UP so that our BETTER can come in! 

MKL 15.5: We cannot obtain what we lack if we tenaciously cling to what we have. We are able to consciously control our conditions as we come to sense the purpose of what we attract, and are able to extract from each experience only what we require for our further growth. Our ability to do this determines the degree of harmony and happiness we attain. 

We TENACIOUSLY CLING TO WHAT WE HAVE because we are afraid of being without, of letting go, of something different, of something NEW, of CHANGE. We FEAR THAT which is NECESSARY FOR OUR GROWTH! WE have to change for THINGS to change. But it’s all CHANGE. If we hold strongly onto things that we are accustomed to, but are clearly no longer serving us, we have no room for NEW or CHANGE…which ironically is exactly what we need to get what we LACK and what we WANT. You have to create a VOID in order for it to be FILLED. Make SPACE. GIVE IT UP. 

OM KREEM KALIYAY NAMAHAH…an ancient chant to the goddess KALI…she destroys, she takes what is no longer necessary or useful so that there is space for the fresh, the NEW, rebirth. In the past, there were times I chanted her invocation for days, months, years…knowing that all must compost in order to fertilize the seed of new…the new ME, the new LIFE. It was a prayer, a belief, a faith…because what was had was gone and there was no clinging without deep suffering. I’ve mastered the art of ACCEPTANCE and no longer cling…so much loss will do that to you…and there it is: GIVE IT UP… to GET IT…

What is IT? Not just CONTENTMENT, though that has it’s own virtue of acceptance, but HAPPINESS, truly finding that place of NO LACK. COMPLETION. There is contentment in that, because we could always have more and still not be satisfied, but how many of us just take what we can get in CONTENTMENT, instead of giving it up so that we can make space for true HAPPINESS? Why would we settle for less? 

This past year has been full of compost. Loss after loss, and yet I forgot to ask Kali for her blessing in letting it all go…I accepted it all, but did I process it, did I make waste a fertilizer for the new? Somehow the intersection of Master Keys with the ancient science of Yoga reminds me that every experience is Holy and exactly what I need to GROW.

MKL 15.5: …We are able to consciously control our conditions as we come to sense the purpose of what we attract, and are able to extract from each experience only what we require for our further growth. Our ability to do this determines the degree of harmony and happiness we attain.

So as we take time to see WHY these things have come our way…or if there is no WHY…Death has no WHY, that we can see…if we can see WHAT it is we NEED from the experience…if we can see that the VOID is an OPENING for what is to come, then it is all Holy and our happiness is whole-y our own. 

“Preach sister!” I might say to myself, but what I need to do is ACT. There are plenty of things in my current life that I could let go of to make space for new. There are hours and days and years of chanting to Kali that can be done to BLESS the VOID. So much is ready to come in, if I can only GIVE IT UP, and make space for TRUE HAPPINESS, COMPLETION. OM KREEM KALIYAY NAMAHAH. Amen. 

MKE, Week 14, #2: Persistence

Ironic that we would be practicing a mental diet of little to no TV, but then have an assignment to watch a movie. I know this seems like a fun task for most, but for me it took a fair level of persistence to even make it happen. 

First, I don’t have a TV.

My brother lives five minutes away, and neither does he. 

Luckily my roommate does…in her bedroom. So she turned it on for me and showed me how to use it…(yeah, that’s how much I use a television)…and then left for the night. Well, turns out Netflix doesn’t have all the movies one would think. Nor does Redbox. We don’t have a DVD player anyway…and no disc drive in my computer…but I was gonna try busting out my old computer and seeing if it could still hang, for 90 minutes or so. 

One dead end after another. I was starting to lose my PMA (positive mental attitude) about this task. But since I’ve developed the habit of persistence, and had already DECIDED that I was going to complete the requirement, I had to overcome the obstacles to make it happen. 

Finally I tried YouTube. Wouldn’t recommend it, for something like this. The free version of this movie was washed out in the center, like a bright light was shining on the screen, there were foreign subtitles, maybe an African language reminiscent of French, and the voices of the characters were significantly deeper and huskier than they should’ve been. This was Cool Runnings, one of my favorite movies as a kid, but seemed more like the Exorcist in Jamaica. I crossed my fingers and hoped I wasn’t getting subliminally messaged for anything weird and watched on. I had to finish this exercise…ironically, on PERSISTENCE. 

There are four elements which make up the habit of PERSISTENCE: a Definite Major Purpose (DMP); a Positive Mental Attitude (PMA); a Plan of Action (POA); and a Master Mind Alliance (MMA). 

Cool Runnings is a fun and entertaining movie that demonstrates how each of these elements is integral in the establishment of persistence, which is necessary for reaching one’s goals. The main character Derice, a runner, misses his chance at the Olympics when another athlete accidentally trips him and another runner. One thing leads to another and he DECIDES his only other chance at the Olympics is as a bobsledder. To anyone, this could seem an impossible feat, but PERSISTENCE makes it possible.

His vision, his DMP, is nonnegotiable; he doesn’t take No for an answer as he begins to build his team (MMA). His positive attitude (PMA) is contagious and he wins over the people he needs to make it happen, starting with a retired coach and gold metal bobsledder, Irv. The team consists of Derice, his best friend Sanka, and the two other athletes that were deprived of their chance at the Olympics. One really cool element is how they become friends as the story progresses and work to lift each other up to realize their own personal DMPs within the overall goals of the team. It takes many deliberate and specific steps (POA) to reach their goal of even qualifying to compete. And it takes a mastermind (MMA), a group of people working in harmony, to obtain all the necessary elements, bobsled, uniforms, etc. Many times others try to strike them down, saying it is impossible, but they refuse to be defeated; the combination of their vision (DMP), attitude (PMA), and the support of friends, family, and even enemy converts (MMA) makes them unstoppable.

One thing I think is important to recognize about both the story of Cool Runnings and my commitment to the task of watching it, is the DECISION. Once something is DECIDED it must be done. As in any hero’s journey, obstacles are inevitable, but with the elements of PERSISTENCE in place and a strong decision to achieve, it will manifest. 

MKE, Week 14: Harmony

MKL 14.31: For your exercise this week, concentrate on Harmony, and when I say concentrate, I mean all that the word implies; concentrate so deeply, so earnestly, that you will be conscious of nothing but harmony. Remember, we learn by doing. Reading these lessons will get you nowhere. It is in the practical application that the value consists.

Hmmm, practical application? Application…to apply: to put to use, to bring into action. Harmony: agreement, accord; consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts. How does one “DO” harmony? I kept asking myself.

It seemed that every time I read MKL 14 and went to sit, concentrating on harmony, my mind was a complete shit show. I found myself focusing on what felt inharmonious in my life and how it would be playing out if it were more harmonious…but then I was not meditating at all, and certainly didn’t feel in harmony afterwards. 

MKL 14 intro:

You have found from your study thus far that thought is a spiritual activity and is therefore endowed with creative power. This does not mean that some thought is creative, but that all thought is creative. This same principle can be brought into operation in a negative way, through the process of denial.

It follows that if you deny unsatisfactory conditions, you are withdrawing the creative power of your thought from these conditions. You are cutting them away at the root. You are sapping their vitality.

Remember that the law of growth necessarily governs every manifestation in the objective, so that a denial of unsatisfactory conditions will not bring about instant change. A plant will remain visible for some time after its roots have been cut, but it will gradually fade away and eventually disappear, so the withdrawal of your thought from the contemplation of unsatisfactory conditions will gradually, but surely, terminate these conditions.

You will see that this is an exactly opposite course from the one which we would naturally be inclined to adopt.

It will therefore have an exactly opposite effect to the one usually secured. Most persons concentrate intently upon unsatisfactory conditions, thereby giving the condition that measure of energy and vitality which is necessary in order to supply a vigorous growth.

Ha! Despite reading this everyday before my sit, I was doing exactly as I was instructed not to! By thinking on the inharmonious things I was actually giving them mental energetic fuel to persist!! Unfortunately I didn’t have this realization until I reached out to Mark and Davene with that very question…How does one “do” Harmony? Simple answer: you don’t.

You’re already in harmony…with all that exists around you. You just have to see it!! 

What? Mind blown. 

MKL 14.26: But the thought must be clear cut, steady, fixed, definite, unchangeable; you cannot take one step forward and two steps backward, neither can you spend twenty or thirty years of your life building up negative conditions as the result of negative thoughts, and then expect to see them all melt away as the result of fifteen or twenty minutes of right thinking.

MKL 14.29: If you wish harmonious conditions in your life, you must develop an harmonious mental attitude.

MKL 14.30: Your world without will be a reflection of your world within.

My thoughts had certainly not been steady or fixed, and my outer world most certainly was a reflection of my inner world…chaotic. No doubt this natural law was in perfect play.  

This week coming we should be moving on to a new exercise, a new lesson…but I obviously have more investigation to do in this realm of Harmony. I will concentrate on all the things which are in complete Harmonious flow in my life. And if they continue to allude me then I will strive just to steady my mind. Just to steady my mind. And maybe just to listen…to other things in Harmony. 

MKE, Week 13: Putting ME first.

Woah. Ok, so I just spent an hour journaling, having some interesting epiphanies…lots of feelings and thoughts swirling around in this little head. I’m gonna try to distill them into some sort of combination that makes sense here…and might add some value to your journey as well. 

Without going into details, I was hit hard again this morning with that feeling of my Giving being out of balance. Not the receiving…just the giving.

Based on what was told to me previously, I had these expectations of what others were going to contribute and I set expectations on myself to match what I thought was coming from them. I stretched myself, as I usually do. And still thought that maybe it wasn’t enough in relation to what I would receive. Then I got word that the plans had changed, been simplified. I found myself feeling frustrated, disappointed, defeated, wind out of my sails…it stopped me in my tracks & completely blocked the momentum I had in the previous direction. Not because of the change itself…but because I felt like my “stretch” was suddenly out of balance to how others were “stretching”. Why had I put myself up to so much? Whose expectations were whose? I mean really, it was all on ME. 

So I let myself shift…and take time to process…and question WHY and WHERE all this was coming from. 

That whole over-giving thing…Who was in control of that? ME. Expectations? ME. Disappointment? ME. 

The root of it all? ME. 

Not just the whole thing of taking responsibility, but yeah, that too. But something else. 

Here’s the pattern I’ve set up: give, give give, put others first…forget to GIVE BACK to myself…to replenish, to restore, to Rest. Then, even though, I have set it up that way, there is some underlying sense of resentment, that I am lacking, that I’m depleted. No one else asked me to do that. And how really, if we are looking at the Laws of Karma, Attraction, Giving and Receiving, Growth, do I expect others to fill my cup if I can’t even fill my own?!? Wow…I am totally Getting what I put out. “Put me last, friends” is the message I’m giving the Universe. [insert wide-eyed emoji]

But taking the time to cry it out, to write, to blog, WAS the shift…that was what I needed…to stop and put ME first. Not to push through to fulfill my own self-imposed expectations…but to take a moment and to tell others, “I’m going to take my time; I need to do some things for myself first.”

And not just this one time…but in LIFE. Can I break this pattern? 

Recently a person I care very much about, and who cares very much for me, family, said to me they thought maybe this “class” (the MKE) wasn’t worth it; I was overextended, stressed, too busy, not taking time for myself. But what they don’t understand is that it’s not just a “class” to fulfill requirements…It’s a dedication to MYSELF. It’s a commitment to making time to think about and realize MY DREAMS.

Recently some MKE practices (let’s call them), have fallen to the wayside as I stretch myself to give more to others during this holiday season. You know the time crunch. I pushed myself for a few select people, only to find they had no worry of doing the same. ALL GOOD. But there it was again, the pattern, ha! And what I realized this morning was that, by letting some of those practices go, I was putting myself and my dreams on the back burner, not just my “class requirements”.

People wonder why I “stress myself out” over trying to give all I got for this MKE…but it’s not for the MKE…it’s for ME. Because I want more than anything else in the  world to be the happiest, most complete, best version of ME, with all things in place to create a life where my ability to GIVE and RECEIVE is dialed in perfectly. Where I am an ever-flowing river of Love and Gratitude, minus the exhaustion and resentment.  And since I’m not there yet, it remains that effort is required.

Which means putting ME first sometimes. I’m going to take my time; I need to do some things for myself first. ❤