MKE, Week 17HJ: Without a Title

Just start without a title. Something will come. All the pieces have to fall into place slowly. It’s not an overnight process.

Most people look at me funny when I say I committed voluntarily to a “class” for six months that has a 2-3 hour webinar most every Sunday (that’s my only day off), plus more. “What’s it for?” they say. Personal Development? Hmmm? Finally I started saying, “To help me manifest the life of my dreams.” 

It’s changed for me. It’s no longer just about the habit-creating exercises. It IS about manifesting the life of my dreams. Thinking on it daily. Putting it together piece by piece. Every thing informs the other. I gather information from other sources. MKE informs my other studies, in Ayurveda, in Yoga. They blend and meld, coming together in one vision, one master plan. 

What am I pretending Not to Know? 

What is already within me that I can’t see? My Full Power. Owning my Knowing that I am a healer and a teacher; that I am here to help others realize their true paths, their fullest selves. How do I do this? Step by step. Before the commitment to MKE is even done I am launching into a year long study of Ayurveda…and Self. Not a career change; more like a shift or an upgrade. More service to offer. More light to shine. 

On the Sunday webcast Mark talked about the concept of living our life to fulfill our roles versus living our life to fulfill our dreams. He didn’t just talk about it; he was pretty damn passionate. And it struck me. I had thought about it before, but this time it came in a different frame. 

I had already gone through the death and rebirth of myself being overly identified with my roles as a massage therapist and yoga teacher. For a period of my life I felt completely defined by that, and liked it. But when I took a sabbatical from my career and moved to Kauai, I felt formless, I lacked self esteem. I cried many tears for the clients and students I left behind, and the beautiful energies we exchanged. I cried many tears as I learned to love myself for Me, my essence, not my Role in the community. 

The detour continued when I moved to Anchorage, Alaska. I got back into massage and have grown a lot from the experiences I’ve had in my profession since then, but not until now have I felt like my true path is clear again. I’ve just been trying to get a job where they pay me what my time, skills, and energy are worth. But I forgot why I do this work. Without sight of that, I fell into another role: Auntie. 

Lonely in Alaska, I left for family. Two nieces and a nephew arrived in Missoula, MT and I drove across Canada to live close. Canada is amazing. My heart broke 100 times from the beauty. I processed a lot of buried grief in the shadows and sunbeams of those mountains and valleys. I was running TO something instead of AWAY. That felt right. But upon further examination, filling a Role can be filling a Void. SO much Joy comes from being with those littles, but I need the Joy that comes from WITHIN. Why is it so hard to ask myself what would make ME happy? 

My role in my community is important. My role in my family is important. BUT, my role in the World is even More important. How can I serve as many people as possible? How can I best shine my light to illuminate the path for others? How do I access my inner joy so that I can do that? I realize I have to put myself first, I have to be happy to serve. 

Kauai is my home. It feels more so than anywhere I’ve ever been. Being here triggers the yearning. I know I have to come back. Not just for a month. But this time I come back with my Light to offer. It may take five years, it may take less than two. But it won’t be a struggle, like before. 

How do I leave my family for paradise? Because If I didn’t I would be pretending Not to Know what makes me happy. And how can I inspire anyone to manifest a life of their dreams if I’m not manifesting my own? How can I inspire anyone to walk the path of their Dharma if I’m not walking my own? So it becomes clear…the DMP manifests, one piece at a time. Still without a title.