Woah. Ok, so I just spent an hour journaling, having some interesting epiphanies…lots of feelings and thoughts swirling around in this little head. I’m gonna try to distill them into some sort of combination that makes sense here…and might add some value to your journey as well.
Without going into details, I was hit hard again this morning with that feeling of my Giving being out of balance. Not the receiving…just the giving.
Based on what was told to me previously, I had these expectations of what others were going to contribute and I set expectations on myself to match what I thought was coming from them. I stretched myself, as I usually do. And still thought that maybe it wasn’t enough in relation to what I would receive. Then I got word that the plans had changed, been simplified. I found myself feeling frustrated, disappointed, defeated, wind out of my sails…it stopped me in my tracks & completely blocked the momentum I had in the previous direction. Not because of the change itself…but because I felt like my “stretch” was suddenly out of balance to how others were “stretching”. Why had I put myself up to so much? Whose expectations were whose? I mean really, it was all on ME.
So I let myself shift…and take time to process…and question WHY and WHERE all this was coming from.
That whole over-giving thing…Who was in control of that? ME. Expectations? ME. Disappointment? ME.
The root of it all? ME.
Not just the whole thing of taking responsibility, but yeah, that too. But something else.
Here’s the pattern I’ve set up: give, give give, put others first…forget to GIVE BACK to myself…to replenish, to restore, to Rest. Then, even though, I have set it up that way, there is some underlying sense of resentment, that I am lacking, that I’m depleted. No one else asked me to do that. And how really, if we are looking at the Laws of Karma, Attraction, Giving and Receiving, Growth, do I expect others to fill my cup if I can’t even fill my own?!? Wow…I am totally Getting what I put out. “Put me last, friends” is the message I’m giving the Universe. [insert wide-eyed emoji]
But taking the time to cry it out, to write, to blog, WAS the shift…that was what I needed…to stop and put ME first. Not to push through to fulfill my own self-imposed expectations…but to take a moment and to tell others, “I’m going to take my time; I need to do some things for myself first.”
And not just this one time…but in LIFE. Can I break this pattern?
Recently a person I care very much about, and who cares very much for me, family, said to me they thought maybe this “class” (the MKE) wasn’t worth it; I was overextended, stressed, too busy, not taking time for myself. But what they don’t understand is that it’s not just a “class” to fulfill requirements…It’s a dedication to MYSELF. It’s a commitment to making time to think about and realize MY DREAMS.
Recently some MKE practices (let’s call them), have fallen to the wayside as I stretch myself to give more to others during this holiday season. You know the time crunch. I pushed myself for a few select people, only to find they had no worry of doing the same. ALL GOOD. But there it was again, the pattern, ha! And what I realized this morning was that, by letting some of those practices go, I was putting myself and my dreams on the back burner, not just my “class requirements”.
People wonder why I “stress myself out” over trying to give all I got for this MKE…but it’s not for the MKE…it’s for ME. Because I want more than anything else in the world to be the happiest, most complete, best version of ME, with all things in place to create a life where my ability to GIVE and RECEIVE is dialed in perfectly. Where I am an ever-flowing river of Love and Gratitude, minus the exhaustion and resentment. And since I’m not there yet, it remains that effort is required.
Which means putting ME first sometimes. I’m going to take my time; I need to do some things for myself first. ❤